====================================== CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND JOYCE IS GETTING CROSS ====================================== CHRISTMAS TIME IS the season of goodwill - isn't it? How about charging your glasses and settling down to a quiet, uninterrupted read. You've worked for it, now don't let anybody deprive you of it. Comfortable? Here we are, the Xmas issue of our favourite computer magazine. Lets see now, Joyce, you can take a very well earned rest for a while - you've certainly earned it too! Is she safely switched off? Shh! I don't want her to hear what I've got to say. Look, we have all spent countless hours pounding upon her many buttons. Even spilt coffee - or other unmentionables - over her sculptured keys. We're all indebted to her for the thrashing we've handed out. It's time to repay her. Funny thing, last Monday morning when I powered up and booted LocoScript 2 the printer burst into life. Now what do you suppose I read when the paper was ejected? The page was full of neatly, fully justified text, that read, "DON'T FORGET MY CHRISTMAS BOX!" It must have been repeated about a hundred times. Weird? Then came all those unsolicited catalogues and quotations for new computer add-ons and upgrades: "Further to your recent telex we have pleasure in...." Well I certainly got the hint. I pondered about what I could buy to warm the cockles of her little silicon chips. Just then there was a series of extended thuds behind me as the postman emptied his sack through the letterbox. "Not more catalogues!" I groaned as I made a mental note to disconnect the modem, before something more serious popped its head through the letterbox. "I'll have to hide my credit cards and disconnect the lightpen as well", I thought as I sat down by the doormat. That's when I started to get really worried. "I'm going to have to have a heart to heart with dear Joyce...I'll do it after lunch today." I said and gathered the bundle of A4 envelopes and surreptitiously pushed them behind the hatstand, well out of screens view. Now that all happened a week ago and the post has eased up after that 'heart to heart' talk, but it was really the disconnection of the modem that had a real impact... anyway, where was I.... Oh yes: I did promise to extend my Christmas spirit to Joyce and here is a list of what she suggests would be a good buy, to ensure another year of faithful service: Now Joyce suggests that PCW8256 owners should consider upgrading her memory and adding a second disk drive as a priority if they haven't already. This cuts out a lot of wear and tear on her one and only drive and helps to keep tempers from fraying. A little expensive we know, but those that have treated Joyce will back me up when I say that "Buying that second drive was the best thing I ever did." Now while still on the subject of 'drives' Joyce tells me that whenever I put the "Clearhead" disk drive head cleaning disk into her drives it really gives her a thrill! She feels 'squeaky-clean all over'. (Being a member of the fair sex, Joyce seems to have cleanliness near the top of her suggestions for Christmas.) Just look here: "While on the subject of cleanliness try and make an effort before the Christmas shut down, and definitely before the office party, to give me a good clean all over. Use a barely damp cloth and make sure I'm switched off and the plug removed from the socket. Now while I am nice and clean, cover me with a dust cover or similar to guard against dirt and grime and all those inevitable spills at that office party. If you haven't a dust cover SBS Computer Supplies do a smart set from #9. If you really can't afford it (?) then enlist the help of a handywoman to run me up a set on a sewing machine. Well worth the effort especially as there are smokers in the office and it's always so dusty." Now, Joyce says: If your Printer ribbon is getting jaded, replace it, but if you really want to give your 'nine pins' a good spring clean you will need to buy an Amstrad Printer Maintenance kit. They cost about #15 but after running the printer with the Cleanprint ribbon cassette for about sixty lines of text the printhead will produce printouts as if it were new. The Cleanprint ribbon cassette is good for about eight printhead cleanings and the pack comes with an aerosol blow cleaner and hand-wipes as well. The Cleanprint ribbon cassette not only cleans the printhead it also protects and lubricates it too. "Kindly order it now because I'm ashamed of my printouts lately, people will complain about me, or worse still, they won't read a word I print!" If you haven't a keyboard cover, buy one to protect Joyce's ivories. Not only can spilled liquids give Joyce a real shock but they can cause untold damage as well. You don't need me to tell you that Kador are the folks that stock the famous 'Seal 'n Type' for just #10.95 - a small price to pay for good protection and peace of mind. While you are looking at their advertisement, see what else you might need, they've a whole range of accessories and even give a free re-ink with all orders over a fiver. Joyce particularly likes those VDU filters - she calls them sunglasses. She tells me "You've no idea how those bright lights and sunshine play havoc with my CRT, I'm sure you find it hard to see what I am displaying too." Oh yes, sunglasses indeed. What next! But she does have a point, I do have to really squint when the sunshine streams in through the window. That will be on the top of my shopping list. I'll have to browse through those catalogues to see what's on offer. I bet Kador will have something. Now Joyce did confide in me not so long ago that since I fitted her out with a SCA Interface she is so proud to be able to tell me the time when I ask and it is good to know that even in 1988 people respect her tiny little 'Z80 brain'. "I just love to be able to remind you about forthcoming events - Like Christmas! And since you wired up that new daisywheel my own printer has had a real break, but she is still so proud: She can always win any printout race." Joyce did ask for one little promise as well: "Please load me up with a game of Chess or an interesting adventure to keep me entertained over the long Christmas break. According to my reckoning I'll be switched off for eleven days. Now that's too long to leave a girl like me all alone! Buy me a good game of Chess, "Silicon Dreams" and "Scrabble", but don't forget to leave LocoSpell handy. And while you're about it buy a good Touch Typing tutor as well. I'm really astounded about the way you bang me around with those two fingers of yours. Those nice people at Amstrad never warned me about heavy handed people like you. So go on, Buy me something like Iankey's Two Fingers, and learn to type properly over Christmas." Really, heavy handed people like me! Whatever will she say next? Now I have bought a few presents for Joyce, they're wrapped up and waiting under the office Christmas tree. I've promised to come in on Christmas morning and unwrap them for her. This is one of the Joys of computerisation they never warned me about. Thismorning I noticed a very large box wrapped up in green printout paper under the Christmas tree, and guess what was written all over it? In enlarged, print it read: "To the kindest Boss in the world, from Joyce."